sex education in schools

that was a real ego boost. i feel like iwas really oversold here. it's a real honor to be here. phyllis isdefinitely one of my personal heroes on this campus. i have great personal andprofessional respect for the really important work that you do here, so i'mvery honored to be invited. thank you so much. i'm going to try and go ratherquickly so that we can get through

sex education in schools, everything today because i have lots ofthings that i want to share with you and not lot of time. we've already goneover some of these things, so i'm going to skip them. just very quickly, oasis is responsible for things like take backthe night, red flag campaign, love your

body day, fem sex workshop, sober sex andvarious presentations on campus, such as this and some fun workshops like ask thesexpert. if you're interested in any of those please contact me. what i'mgoing to do is actually send around an email list sheet, no pressure at all, butif you're interested in receiving emails from us, when we have eventscoming up, if you want, either just participate or volunteer, we're happy toadd you to that and send those to you. i promise we do not barrage you with emails, justa couple a semester, just so you know what's going on. just know that as astudent, you have access to 12 counseling sessions a year at the etsu counseling center,right down the hall. the red flag

campaign is this week and we're wrappingthat up tomorrow. we're going to be out at the pedestrian mall or probably thecave patio because it's going to be raining, but the flags will still be outand we really would appreciate you stopping by and learning how to be anactive bystander, when you see red flags for relationship and sexual violence. interms of learning information more, in regards to the, official etsu and tbrsexual misconduct policies or resources or how to report a violation through thejudicial system, here on campus, you're going to want to go to the etsuviolence free web page and there's all sorts of information on there that youcan access. the education that i provide is

for educational purposes, but if you needinformation on how to get there or you need some advocacy and support i am happyto direct you to the right people and help you through that. let's talk about what sexual violenceis. this includes any sexual act without consent, it is violence not sexuality, notlove, not passion. it's a human rights violation and includes rape, sexualassault, sexual harassment, stalking, fondling and grabbing somebody sexually.important statistics, ninety percent of sexually assaulted college women knowtheir attacker and it's either a classmate, friend, ex-partner oracquaintance. i think this is important

to recognize because culturally, i thinkwe have more of an assumption that people who sexually assault others,are strangers coming out of a bush, yielding a weapon in the dark and thenretreating into the darkness. still a stranger and that very clearly is acrime, based on things like law and order svu, but if nine out of 10 times, in acollege experience, the sexual abuse perpetrated by someoneknown to the victim, that becomes very confusing. that definition gets skewed andsometimes when a person experiences this, they know that something very wronghappened, but they don't even have a word for it. it's really important torecognize that most sexual assault on

college campuses are done by a friend.i should of said this at the beginning, just a trigger warning, some of thethings that we're talking about today can be triggering, upsetting toindividuals, whether something has happened to you or you know someonewho's experienced something, so please do take advantage of our counselingservices, if you need them and we also have a twenty-four seven phone line,called bucs press two, where you just call our counseling center number and can talk tosomeone on the phone any time of day. feel free to leave at any time, if itbecomes uncomfortable or you just have to go. i will not be offended.1 in 4 university women will be a victim

of attempted or completed rate and thecurrent statistics for men is 1 in 16 during college and over the lifespan, it's onein three women and one in six men. most frequent locations of completed, oncampus rapes, are the victims residents, as most often, another residents, or in afraternity. what is sexual assault specifically?it's intentional, committed by physical force, violence, intimidation or threat. ignoring the objections of anotherperson, causing another's intoxication or impairment or taking advantage ofanother's incapacitation, helplessness or other inability to consent. just to beclear here the causes of rape are rapists, that's it.

if you're wondering, i justwanted to clear it up, it's just the whole pie is rapists. just to be clearabout this, i'm going to go over the other ones in a second, but i think it's importantto bring up the statistic, 98% of sexual relational and gender violence, perpetratedin our culture, is perpetrated by those who identify as male. this in no wayshape or form, means that ninety-eight percent of men perpetrate this kind ofviolence. it's actually a very, very small percentage, only 3% of the population areidentify themselves as a serial rapist, through the way that questions are askedin studies, but of that percentage, a very high rate of them identify as male.those people, the people who

perpetrate things like this andoftentimes it is serially done. there are also a small percentageof people, who through studies and interviews have identified themselves ascompleting one rape, regretting it and not doing it again, but again so total,there's a pretty low percentage of people who actually perpetrate thesecrimes. let's talk about these factors that play into rape. slutty clothes, so noone is ever responsible for being raped for what they wear. alcohol, no one is everresponsible for being raped by how much they drink. alcohol is the number onedate rape drug, so it is often used by rapists to facilitate a rape. it isa tool that a rapist might use, nut the alchohol is not responsible, it is

still the person who is assaultinganother person. in terms of minorities, sixty percent of sexual assaults areperpetrated by caucasians. the majority are caucasian. in terms of weather, the only thingthat i could think of was, baby it's cold outside song, which is absolutely anexample of sexual assault. in case you're wondering i actually have a pictureon my door, that has two cute little penguins with scarves and it saysbaby it's cold outside, but i respect your choice to leave anyway. just toaddress that christmas song, that's super creepy. if you listen to the words, shelike what's in this drink, so there's

potentially more alcohol or drug in thedrink, she's coming with all these reasons she wants to leave and it'shurting the person's pride, those are examples of absolutely facilitating asexual assault. in terms of television, i do think that media, advertisements, tvmovies, music videos, all these things in our culture, that we pay attention too, often, absolutely have an influence, over makingrape culture and gender violence culture acceptable, so i do think that mediaplays a huge role in perpetuating issues that are related to sexual assault,but still the person who is committing the crime is the one who is responsible.let's talk about how you can engage

in a healthy, safe sexual encounter. to me,what i usually tell students, is there are two things that i regard in terms ofthinking about what health, safe, sexual encounter looks like and that is one,protection and when we have time we talk about different methods ofprotection and what to know about that because it's important to beeducated about sex and sexual activity and relationships, instead of feedinginto this cultural idea that's very taboo and guilt and shame involved.these are the things that have to be established in order to know thatconsent is happening. both partners are fully conscious and aware. what does thatmean? anybody? what needs to be

happening to know that a person is fullyconscious and aware? or what can't be happening? can't be drunk. yeah. you can learn frommy colleague mina mcveigh who is the alcohol and other drugs coordinator, you canlearn how to count your drinks, you can maintain what she calls the perfect buzzand still be sober, you cannot be drunk. what else? can't be drugged.absolutely or on any drugs because the problem with alcohol, you can measureit to know when you're above or below the legal bac, but with other drugsthere's not a safe way to measure that. what else? anything else?

you can't be asleep. a lot of times studentslaugh at tha, but the reality is we have to have that as part of this conversation.that absolutely happens. both partners are equally free to act, choose and changetheir minds. what does that mean? you can say no at any time. absolutely. what else? you can't be coerced. absolutely and interms of saying no at any time, that means during the encounter, you could bein the middle of doing something and say you know this isn't for me anymore andi'd like to stop or you can maybe agree to something at one point and then laterchange your mind, before it happens, you

absolutely have the right to do that.anything else you can think of? you get to choose the kind of sexual acts, that you're interested in being involved with. ok? in our culture we tend to havethis sort of, really binary idea of what sex is, either you absolutely do nothingand this is also what we call the virgin/whore phenomenon. we think about the way thatwomen are related to sexuality. either you do nothing and you're a virgin or frigid oryou do anything, anything at all that involves, what we imagine sex to be,in our culture, which technically, we think of as specifically, vaginalintercourse. we sort of miss and then then your identified as aslut or a whore or some horrible name like

that and then we forget all of theseother things in the middle, these wonderful things you can do, that arepleasurable and fun and ok. that's sort of how we think about it. they're allsorts of things that you might want to consent to and other things that youmight not want to consent to and that needs to be made clear. both partnersclearly communicate their willingness and permission. what does that mean? whathas to happen? yeah, yeah, how do you make yes happen or an affirmation happen? you talk, you useyour words. absolutely, absolutely, but is that usually what we do in our culture?no, what do we do? what do we usually do to

confirm or deny consent to something?body language. absolutely, absolutely, so were a culture thatdoesn't really talk about these things we just do them and we tend to look fora non-verbal cues to know whether or not a person's okay with doing it and so myargument is if you're not ready to talk about it, if you if you can't saywords like penis or vagina or you know there's a video that we won'thave time for, but john oliver did this great video recently, called sex ed and istrongly encourage you to watch it, it's 20 minutes, it's so funny. they make thisspecial video that says if you still call it a who-ha, you're not ready to havesex. just an example of how we do these

things, but we are afraid to even usewords to talk about them and that is absolutely, very important. ifsomeone shakes their booty and winks and you assume that means they want to havesex, which in our culture is technically vaginal intercourse and they're thinkingsomething completely different, like maybe i'm just interested in how youlook and might be interested in getting to know you a little bit better,than we've had a massive miscommunication. that absolutely canlead to sexual assault being perpetrated. both partners are positive and sincerein their desires. im just going to tell you. this is like if someone says they loveyou or they want to be your partner, in

order to get sexual activity from you,that is absolutely not getting consent. it's never assumed, implied, coerced orconvinced, so a lot of times people don't realize, that if they say no and someonemakes them feel guilty or continues to pressure them to say yes and then theydo say yes, they don't realize that actually counts as sexual assault. if a person says no and theneventually they say yes because they are pushed and bothered and prodded, they areabsolutely being assaulted. consent is not the absence of the word,no, so silence does not mean yes. there was no previous campaign, that wastitled no means no and now there's a lot

more focus on yes means yes, againsupporting the idea that you need to be getting clear communication, that yes theperson wants to do something, not silence. consent is the responsibility of theinitiator, when i ask students this, a lot of times they say it's the guy, it's thegirl, it's the parents, that gets a little weird when they say that, but it's actuallythe initiator, so an example of that might be, that a person's pants don'tjust magicallycome off, someone does something to get them on the floor or one activitydoesn't just move into the other without someone initiating that move and so theperson who is initiating that sexual act, the person who is initiating something, is the one who isresponsible for making sure, verbally

that the other person is ok with whatthey're doing. what i also like to say to people is, because i get a lot of questionsabout the legalistic details, like is someone going to accuse me of rape thenext day, you know if i didn't realize that they were drunk or lots of questionslike that. my response to that is, i think it's important to take alook at yourself in the mirror and think if when you were approaching a sexualencounter, the first thing that comes to mind is how can i do this without goingto jail, then we need to kind of rethink our behavior and we need to rethink howwe're engaging, sexually with another person. let's think more along the linesof who am i as a human and who is this

other person as another human. if theperson is just lying there and they haven't specifically said no, and my excuse is, butthey didn't say no, well did you think, that maybe it wouldbe more fun or respectful to check in with the person and make sure they'reenjoying themselves. you're not just thinking about what youwant, out of a sexual experience, did that ever occur to you? how are you interacting withthat person? are you treated them with respect? are you thinking about theirneeds? are you making sure that they're enjoying themselves as much as you are?maybe starting to look at it through a lens of just being arespectable, good person to another

person, instead of legally am i going toget in trouble, if i do this or i don't do this. here are some examples, it seems soobvious when we talk about these things outside of the purview of sexualactivity and when you think about consenting to behavior, or consenting to doingsomething, it seems really silly, when it's in terms of things like, say a movie,so this guy is saying want to watch pulp fiction, to his friend, sure. a half hour laternot really liking this let's do something else, no! you said you would watch themovie, so you're staying until it's done. again the idea of sort of acting,choosing, changing your mind. he's you

making a choice here, it's beenabout a half hour, i'm good, nope got to stay. seems ridiculous with the movie, whyis that so ridiculous with sex? thanks for letting me borrow your car, noproblem. what are you doing? the next week, borrowing your car, you that i could. youcan't take my car whenever you want it. you said i could have it once, i shouldbe able to have all the time. okay so it's ridiculous, to assume thatsomeone can just have whatever they want from you, when it's an object and itcertainly should be even more ridiculous when it's your body. this is an example of taking advantageof someone, while they were sleeping.

unconscious. this is the idea of someone invitingsomeone over, welcoming someone into their apartment or home and feeling likethey're obligated to be sexually active with them, becomes somehow inviting theminto that space and is inviting them into their personal, sexual space and iencounter this a lot with clients who have experienced sexual violence and iwould say a majority, if not every single client that i've had, who has experiencedsexual assault, holds, at least when they start counseling, hold some form of guiltor a personal responsibility for the assault because they invited the personup or because they agreed to go

somewhere with the person. thisis definitely a cultural pressure and definitely gets integrated into aperson's concept of whether or not they were sexually assaulted and who isresponsible. i mean this is sort of the idea of what clothes you're wearing,being you know, asking for something just based on how you look. in terms of the life of acollege student, i'm not saying that in any way, that every college student whocomes to college is getting involved with partying and using alcohol and drugs, but itabsolutely happens and for some students it's the first time they're away fromhome, away from their families and other

rules, that they've had. for people whoidentify as lgbtq, it might be the first time that they have a chance tocome out more comfortably, not a necessarily saying, that, that's the case, but it mightbe. more social networking, that might be different than it was in high school.there is trust and assumptions, you might be making, you're all here forthe same reasons and have the same goals and intentions. you might haveexpectations and desires to be liked, to be accepted socially, to be coupled andyou know, developmentally when you think about the transition from high school tocollege, the way that things work, socially andhigh school can be very different than

college, so you might have thisexpectation, that you have to behave a certain way or do certain things, whenyou first get here, in order to be popular. when in fact, i think for a lotof students, the college experience is very different, once they've gotten used to it andlearned that. you're learning independence for the first time and so what happens to a lot of students for the beginning of the year,especially when they're freshmen, if they are involved in something, like drinkingor trying substances or going to parties, what sometimes happens?

any ideas? sort of like whenyour kind of repressed, never alowed to do certain things and then suddenly youhave this open floodgate, of no curfew, no parents around, whatsometimes happens? you do everything. woohoo college! you go a little crazy. the hope is that, you know once you'velearned to figure out how to count your drinks, not get so drunk, that you throwup all over the place, you hope that the worst case scenario, for a person isthat they learn from their mistakes, they say whoops not going to do that again. then the next time they make a better choice. this is why the firstday of school, for freshmen, through thanksgiving break, is the most dangeroustime in terms of sexual assaults and

it's actually been termed, the red zonebecause that is absolutely taken advantage of. before a personlearns from their mistakes and wises up, there are people who take advantageof that. in terms of sexual experimentation, it's completelydevelopmentally appropriate, to be doing that during college, but again that canbe taken advantage of as well. then also our cultural assumption, that somehowif someone is sexually active, especially women, are sexually active, that somehowthey deserve what happens to them. i think it's important to talk about whatpsychological characteristics of rape trauma look like, because we tend tominimize and downplay what the

experience of a rape, is for a victim andagain this ties into all that victim blaming, attitude that we tend tohave. as a culture, we tend to view it more as,when someone reports of rape, i feel like a lot of times, i hear these reactions,that are somewhere along the lines of something like, you know you just had aregretful sexual encounter, just move on, it's no big deal, get over it, it's not a thing. where asfor the victim, of this violent crime, it actually, is absolutely, a huge deal andcan affect a person for years, in fact it can affect them for the rest of their lives ,in theway that they treat a sexual encounter,

feel about a sexual encounter, even withsomeone who safe and it usually takes quite a bit of counseling and support toget through tha.t i think that counseling is very, very helpful, in addressing it,but to pass it off, like it's it's just a regretful, sexual encounter andoftentimes, accusing people of false reporting because they regretted it andthey don't want to deal with that, so they blame someone else, that is also i think a big victim blaming, cultural method. there are a lot of people out there,crying rape, the morning after regretting doing something. when in fact, thestatistic, is 2 to 8 percent of reports are false, which is the exact same as anyother crime. ninety two to ninety-eight percent

of the time it's true. some of thesymptoms involved, are things like ptsd or acute trauma, grief, anxiety, depression,shame, some memory loss, a lot of times when a person is traumatized, they mightforget pieces of what happened, also adds to our doubt with our victim blamingattitudes, about whether or not a person is telling the truth, the whole truthbecause they come out with different information later on, when in fact that'sabsolutely a common symptom of trauma or the person had been drinking, so theydon't remember everything that happened. maybe they were blacked out, forpart of it. other examples are loss of control,

shock and numbness. i think it'simportant for us to recognize, that i think we make judgments about victimsbased on, what we expect them to be and again, this is part of this, victimblaming piece, where we are scrutinizing, and questioning and always looking atthe person who's reported the crime versus the person who they're accusing.often times, were maybe thinking, why is this person acting this way, because we have this image in our head of what the perfect victim,should look like, you know so we might imagine someone who's crying all thetime, who gets really depressed or is

showing the emotions that match thesituation, whereas if you are educated about trauma responses, you might notknow, that a very common reaction to trauma is shock and numbness. theperson may not be showing any emotion at all. in addition to that, theymight not remember everything that happened or they might remember thatlater. i think it's important for us to be educated about those pieces, aswell and to think about how we're questioning, who and why because as acultural we can we tend to go to the victim first and we don't do thatfor other crimes. if my house was broken into and god forbid, i was stabbed,is someone going to say, well

you kind of asked for that because youleft your door open, and you should have been wearing body armor and youweren't, so you're kind of asking to be stabbed, that conversation would neverhappen. why is it so different, when it comes to violence, like sexualrelationship and gender violence. victims are often reluctant to report a sexualassault, for multiple reasons. some of which are retaliation, shame, guilt,embarrassment, fear that they won't be believed and lack of support. there's, ithink there's, shame and embarrassment in having to sexual story tell aboutexperiences, especially with people you don't really know. that'sabsolutely understandable, when i work

with victims, i encourage them to report,if they want to and let them know that, that's an option and i absolutelysupport them if they want to, but i don't make them do anything that they don'twant to do, because the last thing you want to do for someone who has beenvictimized, in some way, is to re victimize them or take away more oftheir power and control by telling them what they have to do, but i think thisuniversity is doing a really good job moving forward and figuring out ways tobe transparent and open with students, about avenues for reporting andproviding, appropriate support, including offering them to us at the counselingcenter. there could be additional layers

of complications forreporting, if you're talking about if a victim is male. i think that a lot ofthat has to do with our cultural assumptions, about what itmeans to be a real man, and what it means for a male victim or a victimidentifies as male. i also think that there are complications if you identifyanywhere on the lgbtq spectrum because there is potential for having toout yourself. maybe you're not out to everybody and in order to report it, youhave to sexual story tell about something that you're not comfortablewith. there will be additional layers of complication for differentpopulations. absolutely.

the difference between risk reductionand prevention. i think that there is some confusion about or disagreementsabout what view you're taking, if you are in support of things like riskreduction or risk reduction techniques, like using a buddy system or talkingto your friends about where you're going. creating a safety plan or plans withyour friends, like if someone leaves the group or goes off with somebody else,what is the plan, in place for follow-up? drinking responsibly, knowing how tocount your drinks, defining your personal standards and sticking to them, thinkingahead of time about what you're comfortable with, in terms of engagingwith someone relationally or sexually

and sticking to those or if you changeyour mind that's ok, but knowing that you're making that decision for yourself.being educated about what constitutes sexual assault, rape and consent andknowing campus resources like the counseling center, like public safetylike bucs press 2 line and asking for help. if you want that helped tobe confidential and you don't want to report it to the police or studentaffairs, you absolutely can come to the counseling center and do that or callthe bucs press two line. i think that some argue, that these techniques areencouraging people, especially women, to engage in these techniques, isadding to victim blaming. i want to argue

against, that i want to argue it as a both/and situation. i think that it's important to make a distinction,that these are risk reduction techniques, not prevention techniques. it isnot a person's responsibility to prevent their own assault. it is not myresponsibility if somebody assaults me because i didn't drink responsibly orbecause i didn't talk to my friends, that's not on me, that's onthe person who perpetrated the assault. i also think that it's important tobe educated about these things because it can help you in these situations or to help avoid some of these situations and i have examples fromclients, in which this is absolutely

happened. i had a client recently, whotold me that she wasn't as educated about the components of consent, earlierand she wasn't educated about how to stick to her own sexual standards anddesires and so she experienced sexual assault, didn't realize that, that's what it was and did not realize what her optionswere and now that she is educated about those things and now that she doesknow what her rights are and how to communicate what she's ok with and whatshe's not ok with, she has avoided situations in which she would have beenassaulted. it is absolutely, still the person's responsibility, who was pushingher, absolutely, it is not her

responsibility, but those riskreduction techniques did help. in terms of prevention, when we're talking about personally being in the situation, you want toregard your own actions and behaviors. you want to learn to recognize sexes andwhen you see it or hear it. talk about sex with others, with the other personwho you are sexually engaged with and realize that sexual violence isprimarily a men's issue. now i'm not saying that men are the only ones whoare responsible for preventing sexual assault, that's absolutely not true, but becauseso much of this type of violence, in our culture is perpetratedby people identify as male, i think it's

really effective and powerful for men totalk to other men. i feel like there are definitely some occasions in which i'vetalked to groups of men, and its been effective, it's been really good, but i can imagine howmuch better it would be if there was a man in a more peer, related leadershiprole, in that room and how they might have responded more honestly, differently. i think there's a lot to besaid for that. for the sake of time, i don't know if we havetime to watch this video, so we might we might come back to this. if you are ina situation, in which someone comes to you and reports that they've recentlybeen sexually assaulted, these are some

ideas of what you can say. things like doyou need help? are you ok? this isn't your fault. is it ok for me to give yousome information? what do you need? do you want me to call someone for you?who are your social supports? notice that none of these options involvejudging, blaming, or forcing the person to do anything they don't want to're letting them control, you're letting them make the decisions forthemselves. you're just letting them know that you're facilitating support forthem. this is another very effective mode of prevention, it's actually one of thethings that the the white house sexual assault task force has identified,as one of the most effective college

interventions. can anyone tell me whatthe bystander effect? does anybody know? if your with a group of people and you see thatnobody else is reacting to something that you think is wrong, than you are less likely to react to it. yeah absolutely, it's a sociologicalconcept, that they've done lots of studies on. the more people who arepresent for some sort of crime being committed, the less likely it is that anyone person, will take responsibility to do anything because there's thisinherent assumption, that someone else is going to call the police, someone else isgoing to step in and so the idea bystander intervention, is the oppositeof that. it's taking personal

responsibility, as a bystander andlooking at yourself as not necessarily a potential victim, not necessarily apotential perpetrator, but as a bystander to these crimes, that do happen or abystander to things that happened, that feed into ideas like rape culture andgender violence culture. you want to say something or do something if you see andhear something, that you know is not okay and this is a continuum, i'm not expecting you, ever of course, to be involved with seeing a relationshipviolence situation actually happening, in that moment. i don't expect you to beseeing a sexual encounter happen, that becomes sexual assault, but what you mightdo is, you might hear someone make a rape

joke or you might hear someone saysomething really, degrading, inappropriate about somebody and you have a choicepoint there. you can say nothing, so even if you don't support it and you don'tlaugh or you don't say, that's really funny or that's ok, you're not doinganything and so in that moment the person who said those things, might nothave that opportunity to hear from someone that it's not okay. what i'mencouraging you to do is, on this continuum of hearing these things, to saysomething or do something, when you hear or see them. try to think, if this were my sister, ifthis were my brother, if this were my

best friend, my partner, or a parent, whatwould i want for them? imagine if the person is saying a degrading commentabout them, imagine if they were saying that about your significant otheror about a family member. how would you want someone else to respond if theywere in your shoes? that's your responsibility, in that moment becausethat person is someone's family member, that person is someone's partner, potentially.recognize victim blaming attitudes, start paying attention to theway people talk about things and the way that you think about things. this is the campaign we have going oncampus right now, called buccaneer

bystander intervention and this givesyou all sorts of different techniques, ideas, that you can use to intervene andwe actually have copies of these at the red flag campaign, so you can absolutelycome and pick up one from us tomorrow or you can always email me and i can sendyou a digital copy. i think it's important torecognize the distinction, jackson katz there is a video of him, but i don'tthink we're going to have time, but he came here in january and talked a littlebit about the idea of the bystander approach, that he sort of coined thatterm in the nineties and it's been used by a lot of bystander interventionprograms, to kind of create, the ideas of

the programs and what he says is thebystander approach, the short term goal of it, is to normalize and prevent, sorry,to prevent assaults through an intervention skill set. sort of like those buccaneer, bystander ideas, there is a skill that you canlearn, so that you know how to intervene in those moments, but the long-termapproach is and i quote, to change the underlying belief system and socialnorms, that tolerate or encourage sexist and abusive behaviors, so itdoesn't really help that much to learn a skill set, if you don't genuinely believethat there are these beliefs and social norms that creates problems in the firstplace, so the only real use of those

skill sets are to recognize that this isa cultural issue and that each time we were using these skill sets, we're actually trying to change theculture, we're trying to create a culture that is sex positive and that is aconsent culture versus a rape culture and gender violence supporting culture. i like the way this is termed as well,john damiano, is one of the sexual assault prevention activists atdartmouth college and he is specifically referring to a men's leadership programand so he calls them micro aggressions and i really like the ideaof that. he says that it means that on

campus people set the precedent ofsexual assault is not ok and beyond that, all of the micro aggressions alongthe spectrum of harm, that lead to rape culture, are also not ok and those canrange from a rape joke, suggesting someone was asking for it, based on whatthey were wearing, to cat calling somebody, so these are sort ofthose steps spectrum of harm, i was talking about, in which you aren'tnecessarily going to stop sexual assault from happening in that moment, butthey're absolutely all these little micro aggressions along the way, that leadto supporting someone's belief that what they're doing is completely sociallyacceptable and i think that it is so

powerful when peers rejectsomething, so if we as peers are making rape jokes and are normalizingcat calling people and judging people based on what they're wearing, than whatwe are basically communicating to these really small percentage of serialperpetrators, is that your behavior is totally, socially, acceptable right? ifwe start to say the opposite and that catches on and it suddenly becomes thegroup think, instead of just one individual stepping up, if you canrecruit other people into buying into this and believing this message, thensuddenly the peer group and the culture itself, begins to reject the behavior ofthis person andn i think that, that is the

most powerful thing, me coming up hereand telling you that it's wrong and giving you all these statistics, ifsomeone who perpetrates these kind of things serially, they're probably notgoing to hear me in that moment, but what they might hear is if their entire peergroup rejects them, based on those behaviors. i think that the bystanderapproach, is extremely important and can be, potentially, the most effective thing,to addressing things like sexual violence and relationship violence. alright, i have time for one video. tryingto decide which one is the best one to do. i think the consent one is really fun, but i think there's one

that's more important to show you. ifyou're familiar with tony porter, but he has a program called, a call to men, soit's a men's leadership program in addressing things like, gender and sexualviolence. i wanna play a clip from that. it's not loud enough. it's a good clip, to just show the complicationof how gender dynamics and expectations for genders in our culture, play out in termsof this kind of violence and of course this is very much, gender binary, thathe's talking about, so this leaves out people who identify as gender fluidor gender non-conforming, but i think

that it's a common issue in our culture,that is all the time that i have and i want to leave a little bit of time forquestions. thank you so much for your attention and any questions that youhave feel free to ask me at this time. yes, i don't know that's a goodquestion. i think that, its population of the united states. no. yes. yep. yes. that's a good question. i mean sometimes that's the way that i frame it, as ifyou're not emotionally invested in this

issue, you might be fiscally, because itcosts a heck of a lot, violence against women, sexual violence, relationship violence superexpensive. absolutely. yes it was.absolutely, absolutely, so if you're if your primary focus on this campus isretention and student success, you can't be academically successful if you'reexperiencing acute trauma, you just can't and shouldn't be expected to. that's afirst-order concern and it gets in the way. it's absolutely true. yes. sure sure, yeah. i mean, i don'thave any statistics on that in terms of college relationships vs relationshipsafter outside of college, but i do know in

terms of more information onrelationship violence and the dynamics of that and how that plays out, inrelationships over time, the power and control wheel, i think is a really goodvisual to show, all the emotional psychological pieces, that add up toa controlling and powerful relationship. absolutely counts as relationshipviolence, whereas in our culture i think a lot of us think of, that kind ofviolence, as specifically physical or sexual and we have a ton of informationon that at the red flag campaign because the red flag campaign was originallycreated, specifically for dating violence on college campuses, but i i think that itis definitely, sometimes, a factor for

college students as well, especially ifthe person is with someone who can helpprovide some financial stability or some support, and they can use thatto their advantage so the person becomes dependent on them or something like, theysign a lease together ,on an apartment and then the person is stuck in thatlease for the entire year, legally, so they're things like that or they share apet or something like that. absolutely comes up with collegestudents. even with and even if you think ofit in terms of owing someone something in just a sexual encounter or a morecasual relationship in college, you might

have examples of, so i actually havebuttons that i made that have different pictures saying this is not consent and onehas a drink on it, one has a person in a skirt on it and one of them has movie ticketsand popcorn around it because again, like there's this idea that, there's some sortof obligation because someone spends money on you or takes you out to dinneror does something for you, that you owe them something sexually and that'sabsolutely, never true, that's absolutely a pressure that is communicated. because i'm so technologically unsavy, ineed to do my own research and do a lot more around that, because i'm just so outof the loop, but i have, i mean, we've set

around the counseling center one day and accessedyik yak and we're just appauled, some of it was hilarious and some of it wasjust absolutely, appalling and some of the things that people were saying andindicating and talking about each other, really inappropriate, sexually violent,offensive and i think, that the anonymity that social media allows and theinternet generally allows, creates more of a violent response orcomfort, with having more violent responses and sort of like, that conceptthat very much applies to sexual violence and very much applies toviolence just generally in the world, is the idea of dehumanizing someone ormaking them more anonymous or less of a

whole person and then being able to moreeasily enact of violence on them, so that happens when you objectifysomebody, they become less human or they become pieces of a human, but not a wholeand it's easier to be violent toward them and i think sort of in the same way,that you lose the humanity in a way, because you can't see, your not facing aperson or you can be nobody, when you say these things and i think that itencourages it. just like dinner and a drink, it's like amessage, right and having some sort of expectation. that's a really good point.beyond, even saying i'm inviting you to my space,i'm just sending you a message, which

takes two seconds, no effort and thenthere's an expectation, that somehow you were owing the person something, becausethis is a good example of the consent piece, acting, choosing and changingyour mind. just because you have consented one time, doesn't mean that every time they textyou owe them anything. that's absolutely true. just wanted to let everyone know, thatit's one o'clock so you're welcome to stay, we can talk a little bitmore, but if you have to go, feel free it is that time. yes. i don't necessarily have an accurate answer, mydream is that it's because, my

dream about it and i'm just going to saythis because i just want it to be this way, is just because they know more and we'vebeen more open and transparent and there's been more attention drawn to it,more people are talking about it, asking questions, reaching out for the resources, thatwe've been providing all this time, but i also think that, a piece of it is justthe national attention that this issue is getting, so i think that, my guess isthat, for people who are reporting there is probably a combination of factors andthey might include things like, hearing someone else on campus reported and youknow that there was some results or

there was some response to it, hearing people talking about it andfeeling like it's being a little more normalized for them to report itthemselves and in addition to that seen it on the news prettyconsistently, reading it in the paper, hearing about it on social media, my hopeis that the combined factors of that, are making people feel more comfortablebecause this is a conversation that more people are having, than just advocateswho are passionate about the issue. yes making victim blamingassumptions, absolutely, this is still

a huge issue, is people's reaction to,people coming forward and reporting and that's why i mentioned that is,they're absolutely a lot of, again it's asking questions about why didn't theyreport this earlier, why aren't more people reporting if this is actuallyhappening. first of all why are we asking that question? why is thatalways the first question that we ask? the answer is there are lots of reasons, fora person to not want to report, there is still an absolutely, a majority of culturalresponse, that is negative and victim blaming and judgmental and shaming, until i think that, until we normalize sexuality and talking about sexualityand being involved in sexual activity

being ok and acceptable anddevelopmentally appropriate, that's very hard because there's so much guilt andshame and judgment of women when it comes tosexuality, the idea of sex and sexuality. my argument for that, is thatthere needs to be sex education in schools, way earlier than there is and it needsto be actual sex education, not abstinence only or fear tactic educationand that's why i encourage you to watch the john oliver video because there is a lot of research now that's coming out, talking about how differentcountries, like norway and sweden and all

sorts of countries in europe, that areteaching kindergartners, in kindergarten and it continues through because evenkindergartners are starting to be curious about their body parts and ifyou wave away a child's hand from their body parts orsay that's dirty or don't even give it a name, that leaves them with feelings of shame and guilt around those things even as early asfive years old, just continues and gets worse. absolutely could, sort of goes back to the idea that, a lot of times, jackson katz talks a lotabout this, about how we use language,

i think of theidea of you know, sticks and stones will break my bones, but words will never hurtme, is not true. the language that we use and the words that we use, can bevery hurtful and can determine a lot of the ways that we have cultural responses ormake assumptions about things and that includes, by not being very clear aboutwho were holding responsible for perpetrating sexual violence or whatwe're holding responsible for that, instead of just saying, well it's kind of relatedbecause there are two, it was really two people, takes two to tango, you hear thata lot when it comes to life and even the way that you hear it portrayed innewspaper articles and the media, it's

situation gone wrong orsomehow, there's this mysterious thing that happened, but no one specificperson is really being held accountable, just sort of happened to a person, evenjust that passive language, not being very clear, like violence was perpetratedagainst a person by a person and this is who the perpetrator was, but we don't dothat we kind of pull that out of the language that we use or treat itlike, well this person sent a picture back, well she was a nine year old, so howis this not an issue. it's really complicated because what happens is when peoplebecome open advocates they get fired, so

there's tons of research to backup the direct correlation between lack of sex education and teen pregnancyrates. it's absolutely true. presentations i do, i start by askingwhere people learned about sex for the first time and its reallyfascinating to hear people talk about where it is and its almost never intheir sex education and when it is, when someone has had that kind of uniqueexperience everyone is like wow, that's so unique. for the most part, it's liketheir older brother telling them wrong

sex education in schools

information about where things go orlike hearing in the locker room or porn. if you've learned that from both

places like which one is right, i'm soconfused. well, thank you all so much for coming. iappreciate it.

sex education in high school

elizabeth haller: it’s my pleasure to introduceto you about herbs hajar jahanam this afternoon our plenary speakers, a panel of incredible young people from advocatesfor youth. we have laura duque. laura is a first year student at the university of north carolina at chapel hill where she studiesjournalism, media studies with a specialization.

sex education in high school, in public relations. jorian rivera is a puerto rican hiv youthactivist who is currently living in philadelphia. cydney brown is a recent graduate with a psychologymajor and a minor in swahili at howard university and a member of the youth resource center.

lexus phillips is comparative women’s studiesmajor and sociology minor at spellman college with a passion for social justice. through the art of storytelling and a guideddiscussion, our youth panelists will share their experiences to reflect on the developmentand implementation of sexual health care services and programs that are inclusive of lgbtq youth. the panel will be facilitated by louis ortiz-fonseca,the program manager for the lgbtq health and rights at advocates for youth. he is also a national known facilitator, publishedspoken word artist and photographer. his current project, the grand varones isa documentary in photo essay highlighting

the experiences of latino gay men in philadelphia. give it up. there will be q&a. there are four mics in the audience that wewould like you to go ahead and come to ask questions and answers. we want this to be an integrative sessionby the end of the panel. for now, i‘d like to turn it over to louisand the team. thank you. louis: thank you.

can everyone hear me? so this is like my talk show dream come true. so again, please tweet and use the hashtag. we wanna have as much presence on social mediacause there are many folks who are interested and committed in the work that we are doing,supporting and raise enough who do not have access to this space so we can share whatwe are hearing, listening, and learning with those who can’t be here. please do so, it’s #2016tpp and if takepictures of me and post on instagaram, i ask that you use the inkwell filter.

you gotta ask for what you need. so, just a quick blurb about advocates foryouth. advocates for youth works with young leaders,adult allies, and youth service agencies to promote policies and programs that make accessibleand factual sexual health information to all young people. our vision is based in the 3 r’s: rights,respect and responsibility. we believe that young people have the rightto adequate and factual sexual health information. we believe that young people believe respectand that society has the responsibility to provide these things for young people andthat young people have the responsibility

to protect themselves. so i want to thank you for sharing this timeand space with us as we all, especially in cultures of people of color, storytellingprovides healing and it opens up spaces that are not necessarily provided for us outsideof storytelling. so who in here is a parent? raise your hand. i’m a parent of a 13-year old, help me. who in here works with young people? who in here works with young people in programs?

in churches? schools? who funds programs? you all matter too. alright, so i want to welcome you to thatspace and invite you to open your hearts and minds. what’s beautiful about hearing young peopleshare their stories, that it reminds us and grounds us in our commitment to working withyoung people. the other side of it is that we may hear sometruths that may be hard for us as adults who

are working hard, who go home exhausted, whothink that we are doing and giving our all to this work and sometimes hearing that thatintention is not always met can be really jarring, right? so i wanna, that’s okay. there’s nothing wrong with that. what is glorious about this is that we getto hear young people really provide us a different perspective. not a right one, not a wrong one, but a differentperspective. so i invite you not to hear what you’regonna hear as if you’re not doing enough

and that you are not approaching the workwith your full heart. right? i want you to hear it just as another opportunityto learn something else. so i’m gonna get us started, and again,there’s no right or wrong. it is what it is. okay? alright, so first question if you can justlet folks know what your name is again and your gender pronoun and then the first questionis: tell us a little bit about what it was like when you were in high school.

what do you remember about the sex educationyou received, either in classes or in formal programs that you might have gone to afterclass or after school or any other resources? so what was it like to get sexual health informationduring a time in high school either both inside of school or outside programs you might havegone to. and we’ll start with laura. laura: once again my name is laura duque. pronouns: she, her, hers and i grew up innorth carolina and i honestly don’t remember much about my sexual education class, onlybecause it was two weeks long and it was referred to as health class, not sex ed and that classfocused more on the importance of eating healthy

and doing exercise but i do remember my sexualeducation class in middle school because that one was actually a little bit longer, it wasa semester long and i just remember it was taught by my gym coach, coach r and it wasin this part of the gym that was where they put all the storage and i was like excitedabout it. i was like, “okay, this is my time to askall the questions that i need to ask” and i then realized that coach r was the one thatwas going to be talking to us and i was like “i can’t talk to him. i have to do push ups next time i see himand i can’t… no.”

i just remember having to watch that movie,the miracle of life, i think it’s called and just being terrified like “oh okay,oh that’s what happens,” and not having any context whatsoever of what we were gonnawatch just it being like “okay, this is what it looks like to have a baby and it’sscary so don’t do it” and the education that i received was mostly abstinence only. i remember even having to do a rap about abstinence. which was kind of interesting, now that ilook back on it. but i guess my experience was a little bitbetter than other peoples’ because my little sister, for example, she’s about to starthigh school and at her middle school, sex

ed class was, i think it only lasted for threeweeks and you could potentially get out of it if your parents just signed something. so i was like kind of lucky, i got kind oflucky that it was a little bit longer but it was still not what i wanted and what ineeded at that time. i also grew up in a very catholic communityso we never really talked about sex and if someone got pregnant, they were either supposedto get married before anyone found out that they had sex outside of marriage or they wouldget an abortion and everyone knew that it was happening but no one talked about it. so growing up in that community with thoseideals, i felt like i couldn’t talk to my

parents about sex and i couldn’t talk tomy teachers about sex and so, i would say that my school system and my community failedme when it came to sexual education. lexus: hi, again, my name is lexus. my pronouns are she, her. in terms of my sex ed, similar to laura, itwas late middle school, early high school, gym teacher, and it was not abstinence onlyeducation but it was still to me at the time kind of a very minimum, kind of just one interms of like “this is the ins and outs of sex, no pun intended.” like this is “how sex works.”

and then these are “the 3 most common stds/stis”and then “these are condoms and these are pills.” that was about it, it was not really talkingabout different contraceptive methods, not talking about non-heterosexual sex, whichas i got older and got into high school and realized that i was not heterosexual, i realizedthat i wasn’t included in that conversation and that there were questions and things thati was wondering about that weren’t being answered. so within school, it was taught but only kindof to an extent. more like “okay, we checked off what youwere supposed to know” but it wasn’t a

lot of room for questions or for really goingdeeper into the conversation, it was kind of like the basics “this is covered, thereyou go, you took your sex ed.” outside of school, my faith community. i grew up in memphis, tennessee, predominantlychristian home and childhood and it was more of a, “we don’t talk about sex and ifwe do talk about sex, it’s in the context of not doing it” and not discussing whathappens if you are questioning and wondering what you wanna do, again what happens if youare not necessarily into having sex with the opposite sex. and so that was just not necessarily any roomfor me to ask questions either because it

was a very clear message of what was and wasn’tsupposed to be done. other than that, peer groups were the mainscope of what i learned anything from was what other people were doing, or claimed theywere doing, or what they looked up, what they found out which was of course, now in hindsight,a lot of misinformation so even though so much misinformation was ironically the largestarea in which i learned about sex was through my peers and not necessarily through the peoplewho were supposed to be teaching me about it. so that’s me. cydney: hi everyone, my name is cydney andmy pronouns are they, them, theirs.

most of my… how i remember my sex educationwas, um, in middle school it was definitely abstinence only, we were separated by genderand really just talked about the mechanics of it and, at that time, i already knew iwas not interested in having sex with someone of the opposite gender so i was like “noneof this applies to me. what do i do?” and i was also in a household where we justdidn’t talk about sex. it just, it was the big scary thing that’snot supposed to happen until you’re married. that’s another story. so actually my sex education in high schoolwas interesting because it was about two weeks

long and it literally started the day afteri had sex, the first time i had sex. and my sex, my first experience was terrible. i did not know what i was doing, we did nottalk about consent, we did not talk about what we wanted, any of those things and soi remember my teacher beginning the conversation with talking about mechanics and pregnancyand all that stuff and i’m in the room like “this doesn’t help me and what just happenedin my life so what are we gonna do?”. you know i’m waiting and waiting for himto talk about something. just something that’s gonna let me know,like make me feel better about the decision i had made and nothing happened, like in ourtextbook, one, there were no black folk in

the textbook and then let alone anyone who’shaving non-heterosexual sex so i’m just in the space like “i don’t know what todo.” if it wasn’t for organizations outside ofmy school system like my youth center in eastern market called smile that provided sex workshopsand talked about the things i was going through, i would have thought i was invisible in thatclassroom. like none of these things that were happeningin these textbooks could happen to me because i’m not having this type of sex. so that was how i felt about it and reallyjust reflecting on it now, just remembering things that just didn’t happen, like noone said the word abortion.

i don’t think abortion came up in conversationunless i was having a conversation with my family and it was on the news or something. so just being cognizant of these things, thesemessages that i never received or never saw or dangerous messages like these things can’thappen to me because i’m not in this textbook. jorian: hello everyone, my name is jorian,i go by he, him, his, but i also go by all pronouns. i grew up in north philadelphia. i am puerto rican, hispanic man growing upin north, i’m gay also. i’ll put that out there, i don’t knowwhy.

right, it does help. growing up, i was in school up until highschool. from high school, from ninth to twelfth grade,i was homeschooled at that point due to the fact that i was homeschooled was the fact,because all through elementary school and middle school, i was picked on for being theodd kid. i was being called faggot, gay, queer, alltypes of names and at this point, at that point in my life, i didn’t know what thosewords meant and my teacher was like “do you know what these mean?” i’m like “no” he’s like “then don’tworry about it, it’s not for you to know

right now.” so i’m like “oh, okay”, and just skippedmy way through the classroom like a queer little boy that i am. so, at that point, growing up also, i learnedhow to have sex through like, i don’t want to say through watching cause that soundshorrible but i didn’t get it from school. i didn’t. because going to elementary school and middleschool, they taught us like what they were saying, they taught us the three std’s thatanybody could get: gonorrhea, chlamydia, syphilis, and they taught us about the four deadly h’swhich is herpes, hpv, hepatitis b and hiv.

so that’s pretty much it. like these are things you need to know, that’sit, that’s bam. good. oh they also taught us how a man gets erected,they talked about how women get orgasms and i was like “this stuff, i don’t need toknow these things. i’m only seven years old. why do i need to know how a man gets erectedfor?” i’m like “did that happen to me?” theni go “i’m not ready for puberty.” but then at that point, like i said the reasonwhy i went into homeschool because i was bullied

and picked on so that was my safe haven. that was my sanctuary to be who i was andnot be anybody else who told me what to be. going through that period of being homeschooled,they still didn’t teach me about sex education. it was physical education, gym. you know, stay fit, stay healthy, you livea longer lifespan. but where is the knowledge behind all of that? so if i get gonorrhea, what do i do afterthat? where do i go? do i not deal with it?

do i not treat it? is it treatable? is it curable? is it cancerous? like where do i get this information fromand that was not given. it was like “just put a condom on it andyou’ll be fine.” “okay..” “well then how do you use a condom?” “oh so this is what you do” “okay, sowhat do you do with it when you’re done

with it?” it’s like you have all these questions inthe back of your head but these teachers, well my teachers at the time, they don’twant to answer these questions because they felt like it was too much. but you’re my teacher. if you’re my teacher, it’s your responsibilityto educate these students so that way these students know what they’re going into inthe real world. you graduate high school and college and it’slike okay, now you’re automatically ready for the real world.

well, i’m not, i wasn’t ready for thereal world. and i’m still not ready for the real world. i’m 23 years old and i’m still tryingto figure myself out. but it’s like you come up with these, asa person growing up, you don’t get a manual. you don’t get a manual how your life works. so you kind of have to take it day by day. well okay, this is what’s gonna happen todayand then all the sudden you get a curve ball , you’re like “aw, man. i gotta take this detour, this detour” but,you know, but that all falls in line with

sex education. sex education is all about detours. okay if this happened, then what do you haveto do to get here in order to get left then right again? you have to start at a to get to z, don’tyou? so it’s like, where do you find all thisinformation from? and teachers don’t necessarily do that,well back in the day, like i said back in the time, you know, learning these things,i wasn’t given that. and it’s funny cause i guess there was along line of your gym teacher being your health

teacher, it’s like oh, so everyone had agym teacher who was also a health teacher. that understand why, you know, because a gymteacher is only for sports and not sex education. so that’s my upbringing. louis: so you guys shared some of the informationthat you might have received or something that was kind of incomplete for you. like the education, the intention to provideyour education just left you with more questions. so what do you think would have been effectiveduring that time? so you shared what didn’t work, what wasn’tcomplete, what may have felt short, but on the other side of that, what would have providedyou the space or the information that you

needed? cydney: 1) to stop framing sex as this bigscary thing. for me, especially growing up in the housethat i did, my mom, her first messages to us was like “you get pregnant, i’ll killyou”. that was the first thing and i was like “ohhhhokay, so i don’t want that.” so we’re not gonna have this. sex is a natural occurrence. it’s not something that’s, well it’svery major when it’s your first time and all that stuff but it’s, it’s great mostof the time, so changing the framework from

it being this big scary enigma that no oneseems to really understand to rather just changing the conversation to, “hey. this happens. these are things that you can use to protectyourself. these are the kinds of sex that happens butif there’s other types of sex that you like to have, that you like to have, then that’sokay too.” take the shame out and just create an openspace for dialogue and to create a space for questions like i would have never asked myteacher, “how do i have sex with a person with a vagina?”

ever. and i would have never asked them, i wouldn’thave even had the conversation about consent, how do you ask someone who’s the same genderas you but older than you about consent because at that time, in my sexual experience, shewas older so i gave her everything that she told her do whatever you want. but we didn’t have that, i didn’t knowhow to have the conversation about what i wanted. you know, how do we make the space safer forstudents to really get to those really important questions about “hey, i want to make surethat i feel safe with my partner.

how do i talk to them about this?” or “iwant to let my partner know that this is how i want to protect myself or this is the typeof sex that i want to have” like, how do we allow students to feel safe having thoseconversations with educators, because otherwise they’re going to go to their peers which,sometimes is okay, sometimes we know a lot more than we think we do but up until a point. teachers are our primary source of informationso this is where, this is the information we want, this is the information we’re seeking,so, can you provide it for me? and if not, then give me some place wherei can. where i can get it.

laura: looking back, i think that i would’vewanted someone that looked like me to teach me about sex. someone who was you know, only a couple ofyears older than me, not like from another generation. louis: excuse me? laura: sorry, sorry. i mean only like a few years older, not likesomeone from like the 70’s or something. you know? sorry, sorry.

louis: security. laura: well, i had to say it. i wish that i would’ve learned about allthe different types of contraceptives there are and i wish that my teacher would havetold us that it was okay to think about sex. to be thinking about our own sexual healthand that there was nothing wrong with that. and that there were other ways in which youcould prevent getting pregnant other than just staying away from sex altogether. i think that if my friends and i had thatexperience, we would have been able to make better choices about our own sexual health.

jorian: i like what people have said. what i wanted more was to get it from an educationstandpoint. an education and not from my parents or mysiblings cause you know, i grew up in a puerto rican household, so there’s a lot of kidsrunning around so i don’t where they all come form like “oh, you’re my brothertoo? oh, what’s up? what’s good? what’s going on?” and you don’t knowwhere, you know, i grew up with cousins on top of cousins.

i had second cousins and third cousins soin my household, you know, i grew up from a jehovah’s witness background, growingup, so no one really told me the no sex before marriage kind of thing because my parentsdidn’t really talk about it growing up, like everybody. so my whole thing is like growing up in abig household, i’m like “oh, okay, well cool, everyone has kids so i mean obviouslyit comes from somewhere” but no one. when your parents just tell you about thebirds and the bees it’s like a 1, 2, 3, this is what happens, this is what happens,this is what happens ,1, 2, 3. i would have preferred it from a more educationstandpoint.

more from, though i guess, the 5 w’s inthe house, where coming from a relationship standpoint, especially in your youth, you’regoing into these relationships with a very young mind you don’t know what’s goingon, what’s gonna happen so coming from that point on. especially for young teens, if they’re gonnaget into relationships then take that extra precaution on what to do if they are goingto have sex. especially from the teacher or the nurse orthe principal or the dean be like “hey teacher, this is what’s going on. we had sex for the first time” and to beopen and honest about certain thing.

it’s going to happen so be open and honestand be like “listen, we did it for the first time, what’s the next step?” “we did it with a condom, blah blah blah[inaudible] but we also want to take the extra step and go get tested so where do we go to?”and we have teachers be like, “well i don’t know, call, you know, look up, you know, google,or, talk to your mom and dad.” so at this point it’s like i would prefermore of a teaching in a clinical standpoint, you know, for teachers and for everyone inthe school system to be aware of what’s going on. cause i’m pretty sure everyone’s awarethat kids are having sex.

but we need to be aware, we need to be moreaware of that and be ready for when we have those kids who are well known and know a lotmore than we think we know, to be ready for those kind of conversations. and not to be nervous or scared of, if someone’scoming up to you, like a kid who’s probably 16 coming up to you and being like “i hadsex but i had unprotected sex” i wouldn’t really feel ready well “when’s the lasttime you did it?” you know, coming from the clinical, comingfrom the organization i work for, it’s part of my job to ask certain questions. professional questions, so i would want thatmore from more people, you know, information

at least, or more information or what i cando. lexus: so i’m really passionate about thisquestion so i have some very specific things to say. i emphasize the point about removing the shamefrom conversations around sex. one because it cannot be said enough eventhough it’s been said, that kids are having sex. period. and in your position as an educator, i feellike that is a moment and a space that removed from your opinions or feelings regarding that,you are in these classrooms with these students

and these conversations, whether it’s somethingthat you want to happen or not, are a large part of what they and their peer groups discuss. it’s happening. so it needs to be addressed from that perspectiveof honesty because when they see that you’re squeamish about it then 1) they don’t wantto come to you about things and then 2) it makes them start to feel squeamish about it. so it’s not just about, “oh, well kidsare doing it and it needs to be done.” i emphasize the point that shame needs tobe removed form conversations about sex because i know personally that that seeps into deeperthings because when we’re talking about

or not talking about sex because it’s sex,that leads to, in my opinion, deeper issues about our bodies, about our comfort with ourselves. if we’re not gonna talk about, you know,vaginas and penises, we’re not gonna talk about our own physical anatomy, that’s natural,that’s our physical anatomy. i got to my college first year biology ofwomen course and there are folks in that class who don’t know or are uncomfortable withtheir own physical anatomy because we are so scared to talk about sex. when separate of sex, you need to know whensomething is going wrong that’s something that you need to go seek medical care for.

it’s about sexual health and reproductivehealth, period. not just “oh, these are the parts that areattached to, you know, when we have sex.” so when we don’t wanna talk about sex, thatmeans we don’t talk about physical things in general that make people feel less comfortablewith their bodies, with their sexual parts, with the health of those parts, period. so i feel like that makes people not justhave shame about sex, but have shame about their bodies in general. i think that i would have liked to see mysex education be less sexist. and by that i mean that on one hand, thatmeans that, often, what i find in my experience

and in others’ that i’ve shared conversationswith, that often the conversations either explicitly or implicitly center the responsibilityof deciding to have sex, deciding not to have sex, being the one to have to have conversationsabout protection and have conversations about pregnancy and what happens then are all placedupon young women identified folks. and it’s a burden that carries again intothe shame piece where, not only do you not feel comfortable having conversations aboutsex, but then you realize not only do you feel uncomfortable, but you’re the one withmore of a burden regarding what happens, what doesn’t happen, and all of that. so, yeah, i think that a major part of re-shapingsex education, not be placing the emphasis

on young women and “what are you gonna do?”because that removes responsibility from young men and then it’s also sexist to them tobe placed in a position of, “this is what a man does during sex.” not only do placing these gender roles onwho does what during sex hurt women, it hurts men too because you end up with these ideasof desire and who’s supposed to do this and who’s supposed to do that, and peoplewatch porn and that’s not real. and it just misinforms you on what real sexis supposed to be like, it’s not what sex is really like but when you don’t teachfolks what it’s really supposed to be like, they think that, “okay, well the guy’ssupposed to do this, i’m not supposed to

be able to say what i’m interested in, whatmy needs are or what feels uncomfortable.” and that to cydney’s point about healthydialogue, i think that’s the other, that’s the last point that i think needs to be included. it’s that sex is not just about the sexpart, like, i think we get so squeamish about the sex part, that we remove the fact thatat some point you can, you have to, and you should know how to ask consent to even getto that. how to express what your needs are romantically. sexually, not just what your needs are interms of what makes you feel comfortable, what your needs are in terms of what you like,what you don’t like.

sex is not just about the physical part, it’sabout the person that you’re sharing that experience with and how do you converse withthem to make it something that is satisfying and comfortable for both of you and becausewe’re so scared to talk about the sex part, we don’t get to healthy relationships andpeople are out here doing things that are violent and harmful to themselves and othersbecause they don’t understand that there’s things and agreements and consent and needsthat need to be expressed and done before you even get to the sex part. louis: she’s trying to get a spinoff. i’m gonna have to have a conversation withmy producers.

now that you all covered a lot, especiallyaround the consent and removing the shame around conversations around sex i think historically,when we think about sex education, not necessarily the people in this room, but just some parentswho may not have access to a lot of the information that we have, and then we punish them. we punish parents who opt out their childrenfrom classes. as opposed to figuring out new ways to havedialogue that expand the conversation around how to know when you are ready, like whatsteps, what three steps can you do when you think that you are? are there three adults you can talk to?

what does consent look like? what is being comfortable with your body lookinglike? or even what does intimacy look like? for some folks, being paid attention to orbeing seen as a magical person, sometimes there are some folks, some youth are justsocialized to repay that with, you know, bodies touching. and not that there’s anything wrong withthat but kind of like really just expanding what intimacy looks like, what consent lookslike, and what sex ed looks like. you know, we, i too got my sex ed throughmy gym teacher and i think that on paper,

it feels like it makes sense, right, becausewe’re talking about the body, talking about being healthy, but a lot of the dots weren’tcrossed, right? and again i think that’s why this panel’simportant cause it allows us new perspectives like “oh, when i go back i can think aboutthis” or “i can expand the conversation to include removing shame or the importanceof understanding your body” that not just around the sexual act, but just around beinghealthy and understanding that all these feelings are normal, that there’s nothing wrong withyou, but that young people have a space to have that conversation so thank you very much. a lot of conversation has generally been centeredaround youth overall, but i wanna get more

specific around lgbtq youth of color. and what things do you think school and communitybased organizations can do to better serve lgbtq youth of color? jorian: sga, with the straight gay alliance,we need a lot more of that, i feel like. around lgbtq of color, i’m a man of color,i know i might not look it cause my pigmentations is like very translucent but – thank you. it’s the lighting. they use valencia. more straight gay alliance, more open discussionsabout lgbt of color.

we don’t have a lot of that and i went toschool where it was predominantly black or i went to school where it was predominantlyhispanics and black so being in that environment, it was always an open discussion about peopleof color because i went to school like that. when i went to, when i was home schooled from9th to 12th grade, it wasn’t talked about as much so i was confused. because when i opened a conversation aboutpeople of color, it was completely pushed away because no one wanted to talk about thatsituation because they feel like, you know, certain people have higher power than peoplelike me because i live, because people like me might live on a poverty line or peoplelike me don’t go as far as you know, on

certain things. so i feel more strongly about straight gayalliance because if we get more people like my best friends who are straight to supportmy decision and support where i’m going in life, that’s one person i got through,so if i can get through one person, imagine what i could do with a whole room like thisthat have people on my back. we need to stop having these, i always usethis analogy, it’s like boiling water, we don’t mix. and i want to start mixing and stop this hate,you know, what we see on social media because this person’s gay or this person’s blackand gay or this person is a drag queen and

he’s black and gay or because you know thestigma because he has hiv, you know, he’s black, gay or brown, or stuff like that. i want to change that idea, i want to changethat format that we see here every day on this world because not for nothing, peoplesee hiv as a man of who i am 23 years old living with hiv, i’ve been diagnosed withhiv for three years now and i’ve been stigma, i’ve been stigma’d for so long becausei’m a man of color. and people think, “oh well he’s puertorican, so obviously, he’s gay, puerto rican and a spic and he had sex unprotected” or“well his boyfriend’s black, i guess where he got his hiv from.”

that’s not the case. yes, my partner is black. but i can tell you right now he is hiv negative. i didn’t get it from him. so why point fingers at me for being thatway? why? because you have a better job than me? because you have a better car than i do? so that way you can point fingers at me whileyou drive by?

“oh look an interracial couple, hiv automatically.” it’s not fair for that. i don’t go around pointing fingers at straightpeople being like “listen, you’re straight.” i don’t, we don’t, when you see peoplein front of you, what i was taught is you don’t judge a person by how they look. you don’t judge a person by what the colorof their skin is, what they go through cause you don’t know, no one knows what peoplego through on a daily basis. you know, so for me to be like, “okay wellthat person’s straight, let’s see what he goes through on an everyday basis.

oh nothing because he obviously has the perfectworld.” but you want to look at me and be like “oh,well he lives on poverty line, he gets welfare, ssi checks.” well i could be a bad person and go to thegovernment and get ssi check for having hiv. i could be that person. but i’m not. because i want to prove to the straight communitysome time, for the ignorant people in the straight community that i am just like youon an everyday basis. i work hard for my money, i go home and takecare of my home, and my animals, and my mom,

and my brothers and sisters. and i do it all over again the next day. and on top of that, i gotta make sure i feedmyself and take a shower. cydney: i think that educators and administratorsand funders have to realize that lgbt youth of color deal with specific intersections. i’m black, queer, masculine presenting,which comes with a whole other level of connotations because when i walk into a space, a lot ofpeople 1) don’t even know what my gender is. the first thing they see is my blackness sothere are automatically stigmas associated

with my blackness, where i come from, whatincome i might have, what things that i know. and then depending on the day, i’m eitherseen as a black lesbian and i’m automatically masculinized for some particular reason. and then, like there are just a lot of minutethings that i go through on a regular basis that a lot of educators i feel like don’trealize that their students are going through at the same time. so when you are dealing with a student whois at these intersections, you have to find a way to meet them there. so, let’s say you have a student who wasdiagnosed hiv positive.

okay, where you gonna, first you’re gonnasay “go to a doctor.” what if the student can’t afford to go tothe doctor? can you tell them where the nearest clinicis? can you tell them where to get any kind oftreatment from? can you tell them what affordable programsthat are available to them? what resources can you provide to them sothat you can help them navigate these intersections without either having to sacrifice a partof their identity or erase it entirely. so, it’s hard. you know having that level of consciousness;i call it like opening your third eye on a

physical level. you have to be aware of all of these differentdynamics because nothing is unilateral, nothing is monolithic and nothing in any minoritycommunity is monolithic so you have to be able to take away these standards that youthink, that people tend to think that all students have and realize that, if you havesome who, someone made it clear, so let’s say you’re a doctor or you come, you havea patient that comes to you and they’re not taking their medicine and so your frustratedbecause this person’s not taking their medicine. that person might not be able to afford theirmedication. or that person might have to decide betweenbuying medication or providing for their family;

family’s gonna come first. so, rather than getting on this high horse,try to meet people where they are. try to understand that the multi dimensionsof people’s existence. and that takes a great deal of education butit’s out there so ask questions. y’all are educators, y’all want peopleto ask you questions, you should be able to ask them as well. lexus: i think that 1) i think that lgbtqyouth of color are in need of mentors. now, i understand that within the educationsystem, there are barriers within that system that for folks who are lgbtq identified inclassrooms make it hard for them to put themselves

in the position to be in that space. given those systems at play, they’re partof the problem. those systems are part of the problem thatthey even can’t be themselves in the classroom in the first place. so, whether it’s teachers making themselvesavailable in the classroom that they can, outside of school programs and resources ororganizations connecting with classrooms if they have more of an ability and a capacityto be in that mentorship position that’s necessary. whatever avenue it can come from, i say thatmentorship is necessary because via racism,

via sexism, classism, via white supremacists,racists, capitalists, federal patriarchal society, either one that people who wouldbe their mentors are not in the position to do so and if they are, because of said laws,or lack of anti-discrimination policies, they can’t. so, with that in mind, students don’t seepeople that look like them and that’s a major part of even, for some of these students,they don’t know how they’re going, they don’t see themselves living day to day. i was at another conference and another panelistsaid that they only saw themselves living to a certain age because they didn’t seepeople who looked like them beyond that.

so, seeing people who look like you existingand being well and whole and all their identities matter so much to even being able to imagineyourself in that position, especially when you’re not on television, when you’renot seeing anywhere else in culture or media and when you are, it’s a negative presentation. and i think that with those types of experiencesin mind, it’s particularly critical for lgbtq youth of color to have mental healthand wellness resources when they are not in the position to be able to express what isgoing on with them and what experiences they are having at all of these intersections,they are dispositioned to be more likely to experience anxiety and depression, to experienceself-harm practices, to commit suicide.

they’re more likely to do that because theydon’t see themselves in anywhere else and they don’t have people to talk to aboutthat so mental health and wellness services are necessary and if you’re going to bea school that has no tolerance, bullying, and harassment policies to your point abouthaving to leave school systems because of that. if you’re going to say you’re no tolerance,be no tolerance. and call things by their name. there’s no, it’s not just for any reasonthat the only brown or lgbtq or non-binary identified person or all of the above is theone in your classroom expressing that they’re

having problems. don’t invalidate their experiences whenclearly they are having those experiences and if you’re no tolerance policies aresupposed to be in place, do that because when you don’t, they see that and they know thatthat basically means that you’re calling their experience unreal and you’re invalidatingthat it happened. laura: i think that, if you’re gonna saythat you’re an ally to the lgbtq+ community, you have to include lgbtq+ people in youreducation. specifically, lgbtq+ people of color. yeah, okay, you can change your profile pictureon facebook to the rainbow flag or, you know,

say “oh okay, i have so many friends thatidentify as this” but the fact that we’re not including people of color, lgbtq+ people,in conversations about sex, that shows that we’re still seeing those people as somethingelse, something different. and what that ends up doing to kids who aregrowing up in those environments is they feel weird, they feel like there’s somethingwrong with them, that thinking about having sex with a person that maybe does not fitthe, whatever mold that is presented in sexual education is wrong and so, what they end updoing is they end up turning to other sources that may not necessarily be reliable and whenthey engage in sexual relationships, it ends up being kind of like under the rug, underthe table and not talked about and more often

than not, they’re not being safe and theydon’t know what they’re doing and they have no one to reach out to so i think wehave to start with including people that come from all backgrounds and not just assume thateveryone is going to have the same experience when it comes to sex. louis: as an adult, because i’m learningto be comfortable as an adult, you’ve got plenty years boo, so there are a couple thingsi’ve been working in a nonprofit for 20 years and i’m not sure who but i heard thatthere’s this prescribed approach to working with lgbtq, sort of like an intake form, right? who in here has to fill out an intake form,you ask identity, name, race, class, socioeconomic

background, because those are indicators thatpeople would qualify for programs that would provide much needed services, right? and then on the other we get trained to dothat right, we have long staff meetings where we come up with these great and affirmingand inclusive intake forms and then we get told that that’s too prescribed. so remember in the beginning when i said there’sno right or wrong. so i use the intake form as an example becauseit is a tool to support conversation, it is not a guide and those are the distinctions. so an intake form provides us with informationso we can better support young people in seeking

and accessing services that are pertinentto their health. but it cannot be a prescribed interaction. and that’s what makes it inauthentic androbotic for young people. now they’re just being experienced as checkboxes. and expand the conversation around healtharound gay and queer men beyond hiv. as a brown, queer, afro-puerica, we know thestatistics but that’s pretty much all we hear about our health and out of the contextof this conversation it is stigmatizing. so learning that when we are including lgbtqyouth intentionally in our programs, be open to expanding that conversation.

and the last thing is the no right or wrong. i get that being an ally is hard. we’re all allies depending on our proximityto specific communities and a lot of times we don’t want to say the wrong thing, sowe don’t say anything. sometimes we don’t want to make the wrongdecision so we don’t make a decision. but not saying something and not making adecision is doing something. not saying something is saying something andnot making a decision is making a decision. so like it’s about suspending the no rightor wrong and we make mistakes, but we can atone for that, and we can recreate the relationshipwith the young people.

so a lot of it is about being courageous andi love that that’s the theme that you all provided for us. getting right or wrong is a new way of beingcourageous. in your opinion, i’m going to start withlaura and i’m going to come down this way. how do you think homophobia and racism impactsthe decisions that young people make in relation to their sexual health? laura: well, as i was saying before the factthat they were nodding, that lgbtq+ people of color are not included in the conversation,that just completely leaves people feeling out and feeling like, you know, they are notnormal.

and we’re already going through a lot duringthose years. you know i’m still trying to figure myselfout and then there’s this other wave of judgement that comes from people that arelooking at me and you know, it’s like when i walk into a room i have to make myself availablefor people and i have to justify who i am because if not people aren’t going to takeme seriously and they’re going to put labels on me. and i think the fact that most of the time,you know, when people that are not people of color come into a room they’re not gettingquestioned about their sexuality and their background.

they’re not being asked “oh where areyou from?” or that kind of thing, they’re not, and that’s not fair. i think we need to provide a space for peopleof color and lgbtq+ people of color to be able to share their stories and those whohave privilege need to listen first. then help those people out in anyway that they can just using their own privilege becauseif you just sit there and not do anything and just not say anything because you’reafraid of saying the wrong thing, that’s not going to do anything, you know. we have to get rid of those subconscious,homophobic, elitist and racist tendencies

and learn to appreciate other people thatcome from different backgrounds and not put labels on them. lexus: i think that racism and homophobiaimpact our communities in a couple of ways. in terms of racism, historically speakingthe powers that be have never been very interested in people of color procreating. so within reproductive health movements, eventhat has been under laid with racist intentions of predominantly communities of color, womenof color being sterilized and they don’t know or being steered toward certain contraceptivemethods without being fully informed of their risks and options because of the pre-assumptionbased on their skin color and based on what

class demographic people think they’re inand what they could afford rather than at least providing those options. and so, when you’re going into a systemthat already isn’t interested in you having access to reproductive health or procreatingor being able to attain as many resources as possible, it creates an aversion to thehealthcare system. large portions of my community don’t goto doctors because they either anticipate and have experienced racist of homophobictreatment. i’ve gone to a gynecologist before and leftthat appointment and she said she was going to pray for me.

and i’m here for my sexual health, not foryou to draw assumptions based on once i now express there are within the homophobic. with the lgbtq+ folks, there’s assumptionsof promiscuity because all of the sudden i say i’m not straight and then i say thati’m bisexual, pansexual, you assume that me saying that i am attracted to folks ofall gender presentations means that i am having sex with so many people of all of these differentgender presentations. me saying that i’m attracted to them doesnot automatically mean that i’m being more promiscuous, but because of that you encourageme to do this treatment instead or you assume certain things about me that make you askme questions a certain way as if you already

know what i’m doing in my personal sexuallife. so with stuff like that happening, when youngpeople of color go to providers, it makes them just avoid health and sexual health treatmentand care in the first place. and to know the histories behind why yourcommunities either when they go to these places have been sterilized or given treatments againsttheir will or that aren’t good for their bodies and they don’t know or people explicitlysay things that are racist or homophobic to you when you go there, you don’t want togo there. and then it just leads to more issues downthe line because you’re not getting the care that you receive.

so that’s what i see as commonly how racismand homophobia effect our communities. louis: okay cydney and jorian because we wantto leave some time for q&a. who or what was a supportive, what was a supportivemechanism for providing support in those formidable years around sexual health. cydney: surrounding sexual health it was specificallythe youth center in eastern market because it was a space where i could be myself andask the questions that i had. and also interacting with people who werea few years older than me and at least at that time looked like me, that understoodwhat experiences i was going through and was supportive of the choices that i made andgave me the education that i needed.

i actually really want to answer that previousquestion. black bodies are being killed every singleday. and the messages that we receive is that thesociety we live in, they don’t value our bodies. so at what point, where are we going to getthe message that our bodies, our health matters. okay, we’re not gonna get it from tv, we’renot gonna get it from cnn. so let’s get it from the place where weget our primary care. our primary care physician probably doesn’tcare either because there’s data showing that most primary care providers don’t takewhat people of color say seriously because

of this belief that we are exaggerating orwhat we’re experiencing is not real, so you’re in the doctor, you’re trying totell the doctor what’s wrong and the doctor’s like this is not true. especially in communities, especially in themental health areas, you know you have people who are describing legitimate instances ofracism and discrimination and the doctor’s just like, “okay, you’re paranoid. you know, we’re going to diagnose you withparanoid schizophrenia because these systems are effecting you in such a way that theydon’t understand. so for me, when i think about that, this systemdoes not only does it not value by body, it

doesn’t value what i say. so how, why should i value it, the messagesthat i’m receiving, why should i value my health if no one outside of , excuse my language,seems to give a damn. so lgbtq youth of color don’t want to talkto nobody about this! we’re not going to go to our teachers becauseif our teachers don’t look like us, they don’t know what’s going on with us. if our teachers aren’t saying anything aboutwhat’s going on in the media, they don’t care. if our administrators or our funders aren’tdoing anything regarding what’s happening

in our existence, that doesn’t matter. so why would we go to someone who obviouslydoesn’t seem to value our existence, how am i able to relate that to my partner sincewe’re getting the same messages. our bodies don’t matter. so how do i let you know that my body is important,this is how i want it to be honored. i’m not getting that message anywhere else,how do i know to communicate that to somebody in an intimate setting. those are the messages that we are receiving. and homophobia, now what i’m doing is wrong,blatantly wrong on multiple levels, again

how do i communicate to someone that thisexperience i want to have is special because of this because i am special. jorian: okay. louis: so who was supportive to you duringyour formative years? jorian: we can talk about racism and homophobiaall day long so i’m going to skip that question. my main supporter at my coming out as a gay,hispanic, puerto rican man also being diagnosed with hiv was my father. that being said, growing up in a jehovah’switness household, it speaks for itself. as a man, who grew up in puerto rico on afarm, going to church every sunday, or not

the church, right, going to hall every sunday,every tuesday, every saturday, he was a man of the word. growing up, my dad put this idea in me andmy brother’s, this idea in our head that he didn’t want gay kids, he did not wantgay sons. but on july 11th, three years ago when i wasdiagnosed with hiv, my dad put all his pride aside. and i called, when i was diagnosed, i calledboth my parents on the phone, my mom first because she’s the emotional… you knowwhen you have parents you have one when you can go to and talk to the other and you knowyour mom is the lenient one sometimes and

your dad is the tough one, well in this case,my mom is more the emotional supporter. i can go to her about anything, i can cryto her about anything and she’ll be like, “well meha why you crying for?” and i’llbe like “but i loved him…”, “ah but there are other fishes in the sea, get overit.” i’m like, “whatever, you’re on yourthird marriage anyway.” haha… shhhhh! but my dad was the, my dad has always beenthe tough guy. you know, my dad’s like 5’10” big brutemuscle guy and he was always a stickler, like this this what you’re not going to do.

but when i called him crying, he was asking“what’s wrong? what’s going on?” and i was like, “well dad” and i’m cryingmy eyes out and i have hiv. first thing out of his mouth was, “i’mcoming out there.” he came out and i sense that he put all thatpride and ego aside and was like, “yo, you’re my son. i want you happy and i want you healthy.” he understood that i was gay, he got overthe fact that i was gay, cause at that point he was able to make gay jokes and tell methat all i can drink is fruity drinks because

i’m gay. but mind you i like a long island, i keepit real with you, throw in a shot of fireball keep it going i want to have some hair onmy chest. but that it is where my dad was getting to,he was getting to the point of making jokes with me, that’s what i wanted. but at that point when i told him i was hivpositive, he was like, “bah, you’re my son. this is what we’re going to do, this iswhat i’m going to do. so he was my biggest supporter, today he’smy biggest supporter.

he calls me every other day and asking meif i’m happy because all he cares about is my happiness, because you know as a father,as a supporter, they want to ask questions. my dad went beyond that and educated himselfwell enough that to know what i can and cannot do. he educates me on a daily basis, he’ll belike, “do you have a cat?” “no” “good, don’t have a cat” i’mlike, “why?”, he’s like “because there’s some thing, there’s some hormones in theirfeces and you can’t be around them.” “okay, and? i’m at work, what’s up?”

but he wants my wellbeing, he wants to knowif i’m happy, that’s all he cares about. he’s like no call me, but i’m like dadevery time i call you, you don’t answer your phone. well i’m sleeping. well how am i supposed to get ahold of you? so it’s like, he, i love my dad, and i wishmy dad was living in philadelphia, but he’s living in arizona now, he’s happier, hedon’t like the cold, you know, you suck, because i don’t have you here, but he’slike well you know come out and visit here and i’m like, it’s too hot, its’ like120 degrees.

i can’t be melting, mmm mmm i’m sorry. i’m a hairy guy, i’m sorry, i got mammothhair on me, i sweat too much. but overall i love my dad, my dad is my biggest,biggest, biggest supporter i have ever had in my entire life. louis: so before we open it up for questions,because i’m sure folks want to pick these beautiful brains, i just want to drive homethe point that a lot of what we’ve been covering has been pretty much expanding theconversation around sex ed. and we are at the tipping point where we reallyhave to talk about black and brown bodies in a way that is intentional, affirming andthat honors young people, specifically young

lgbtq people as holistic beings. they’re not compartmentalized. i know that there is this myth, especiallyin this country, that people do not value education in that way. i hope that what you’ve heard today hasshifted that, that young people do love structure, right? but they also looking to the adults that theyspend the most time with to provide them with information that can literally save theirlives. the other point is and with jorian’s storyis that a lot of parents may not have the

tools in supporting queer young people areoften branded homophobic, right? and a lot of our work has not really beenbased, well for me, a lot of the agencies that i work with, family reunification hasnot been at the center of the work. and when it comes to lgbtq youth it’s always“come here, we won’t tell anybody. we won’t tell your parents.” we cannot provide support without honoringfamily. and i firmly believe that when given the opportunityfamilies, teachers, administration will show up when provided the opportunity. and jorian’s story spoke to that.

had a father who struggled with his identity,was clear about what a man should be and what the responsibility was, but when it matterthe most, those ideals were secondary to jorian’s health. so parents, administration who may be challengingat times and while we want to hold them accountable and really be clear about our expectations,we also want to provide some grace because we’re not going to achieve what we needto achieve by tearing each other apart. and that sounds really clichã©, but the reasonwhy we need as many warriors as we do, is so that some of us can take a break and thensomeone else picks up the baton. so there are mics around and if you have questionjust step to the mic and if you have a specific

question for a specific youth, just pointout or just say their name and i’m sure they’ll be ready to answer their questions. lexus: louis, as people gather to the miccan i say one point? i think that in terms of also supporting young,oh there is someone at the mic right now, but, to this point of see something, say something,to support what cydney said, these students, these lgbtq youth of color are coming intoyour classrooms hearing what is going in with the world around them, and it is not realisticfor you to act as if those things are not happening. the experiences that they are seeing withinthe media of state violence, is that their

bodies aren’t mattering, they are feelinglike their black and brown bodies don’t matter, they are feeling like their queerlives do not matter when black trans women are being killed at such an excessive rate,they are feeling like their bodies don’t matter and when we come into classrooms andeducators don’t bring those conversations into the classroom, we’re acting as if thosethings aren’t happening, and as if it’s not hurting them and not existing, part ofyour ally-ship i think sometimes is to bring that into the classroom and bring up at thevery least ask if it’s something they have thoughts about and feelings about and if they’dlike to address and discuss because it does not help them when you’re so uncomfortableor unsure if people want to bring it up that

you only bring it up when someone’s breakingdown crying in your classroom. i feel like part of your ally-ship is to knowthat these things are going on, know that they’re effecting them and bring it to thetable to have conversations and stop acting like they’re not because in terms of theirlives and in terms of these issues, sexual health and wellness, these other things thatare going on in the world around them are effecting them just as well and we’re notbeing honest if we’re not acknowledging that and we’re not going to get anywhereto true ally-ship if you’re not going to put that out there to have uncomfortable conversationbecause we all see these things happening and to ignore it is again to ignore theirexperiences.

louis: i can’t even say. so if you’re near the mic over there, youcan go. audience member: thank you so much, hi myname is shelley montgomery barth and i am from wyoming and you’re all amazing so thankyou so much for being here today. what i think i heard you saying was that lgbt+plus young people of color need to be taught about sex by people who like them that arenot much older than them, i also heard you say that it’s really important that, youreally need mentors that look like you and who are successful who are from the lgbt+community. my question for you is what can old whitelgbt+ people to support youth of color?

lexus: i have a thought, so i think what youcan best do is use your privilege to the benefit of those communities so when you recognizethat this is an identity that you don’t carry and in a space in which you won’tbe able to express something that makes them feel like they are being heard or validated,that support that they need. i think the best thing that you could do istry to connect people with those that they would be able to share those experiences with. i think this comes to the part where you useyour resources to reach out to whatever folks you know, if there are organizations thatpertain to the types of work that you need help with or the identities that they carryto see if you can connect with someone and

bring them in to answer what you don’t know. so i think in that regard, you can best helpby using your privilege to make the space accessible and bring in and connect them tothe people that they would need to help them. louis: is there one more person over there? and then we’ll come back and come over hereand go over there. audience member: i’m emma schwartz fromthe university of california davis and i wanted to thank all of the panel and in particularthe one of you who was able to bring the issue of abortion to this conversation which isnot usually something that the office of adolescent health talks about because of the demand whichtakes it out of our vocabulary.

but i was hoping maybe we could have a littlebit more in terms of what it would be helpful for you to learn about what is actually oneof the most common medical procedures that women in this country undergo. what would be helpful for young people tolearn? lexus: so i’m working on the 1 in 3 campaignwith advocates for youth this summer which centers around the fact that 1 in 3 womenwill experience an abortion in their lifetime. i think one of the most helpful things thatcould be done, given the technicality of what can and cannot be said within education andeducator spaces to again connect them to the spaces where they could have that informationavailable, providing local clinic or pharmacy

information, sending them to the 1 in 3 website,and sharing with them… subverting the system in a way to share withthem the websites where they can then go to find that information if you unfortunatelyare not in a position to explicitly share that information. laura: even just talking about it, why doesit have to be such a taboo? i have two family members that had an abortionand we never talk about it. and you can’t just tell me about that andthen not tell me, okay “how was it? how do you feel?” i think it starts by having people who havehad abortions talk about it and making it

a safe space for those people and gettingrid of the stigma so we can actually provide those resources for people our age to havein schools and community centers, websites. louis: alright we have about 5 minutes sowe’ll take a question over here and then move over here. audience member: i’m tom aloisi from thestate of vermont and it’s never 120 degrees there so come visit any time, i’ve very(inaudible). i’ve loved hearing from you, but we’veheard four stories with four different educational experiences. i want to hear from a lot of folks who mightnot be as brave as you are to get in front

of 700 people and tell your story. does anyone know either on the panel or inthe room of a good survey tool to use to get the same kind of stories, maybe anonymously,that we could survey recent high school graduates that we could say, what was your sex ed experiencelike, what would you have done differently, all this kind of stuff. cydney: well, one thing that youth researchcreated this year was the my story out loud campaign. other panelists: wooo hooo! cydney: yeah!

its goal was to capture the stories of queerstudents of color, across the nation about their experiences in education, in sexualhealth education. we kind of focused on college students, butis the link still live? yes, so there is a link, it’s still active,our coordinator’s actually right there looking all wonderful. we have social media, we have tumblr, twitter,#mystoryoutloud, if you google it the website will come up with all of that. you’re welcome. louis: we’ll move over here.

audience member: good afternoon, my name isaj king, i’m with atlanta youth rec center, hi cydney. first off i just want to say thank you guysbecause it was a fantastic panel. and i know that i learned a lot personally. i think that with our current society, especiallyour youth is constantly changing and regressing and we are getting a little bit more progressivewhen it comes to the lgbt+ community just as a whole in the nation so in 2016 movingforward, what you feel would be effective lgbt+ programming for youth that hasn’tbeen implemented yet? jorian: repeat the question?

audience member: sure, so there’s a lotof lgbt+ youth centers across the nation, there’s already been doing a lot of greatwork, right. but with the, a lot of transitions have beenhappening, technology is ever changing, so in 2016 from your personal communities, yourpersonal experiences, what do you feel would be effective programming for our lgbt peoplethat you would like to see in centers today, especially around sexual health? jorian: one thing i can say if i take thatquestion is a campaign that we’re doing right now, it’s called positivo, i’m wantingto just say something about positivo, it talks about how my status change is live.

that might sound a little off, but if youthink about from a different perspective, it’s about i’m going around telling mystory for a specific reason, and i’m doing that so that people can take that, sit backand be like “oh, i did not know, tell me more.” it’s a catch. so what we’re working on right now is acampaign called positivo and we’re shedding light into the community, we’re changingthat word positivo which means positive and we’re changing it from a negative idea toa “positive idea,” quote/unquote. we’re trying to tell people in a communitythat being positive is not a bad thing anymore,

we’re in 2016 we have technology, we havemedicine, we have cocktail regiments on a daily basis that people can take once theyare diagnosed. and it’s more so telling people that it’speople of color or that are hiv positive or hiv negative that it doesn’t change anything. we still take care of our families, we stillgo to work on an everyday basis, we still take our medicine on an everyday basis. it doesn’t change anything. being positive does not change anything ina person’s life. it just changes your daily habit from goingfrom not taking a pill to taking a pill every

day. that’s the only change that’s ever goingto happen unless you want to get technical and be like “well you’re going to be onthis diet… you can’t eat this… you can’t do this…you gotta eat healthy.” listen, i’m fat, i’ll be straight up honestwith you. i am fat, i still take medicine every dayand i look and i learned a lot about myself when i got diagnosed with hiv. that campaign helped me a lot. it changed all my insecurities that what iused to look like and what i felt like to

a better perspective of like i’m body positive. i am fat-u-lous. i like to keep it that way. but with positivo we do that, we do that forthe community can see that it’s not a bad thing anymore. so that’s what we’re working on rightnow and we’re trying to get more people to get on it so you can look it up on positivoor go to google and and learn more about it and read more about it because that’sthe organization i work for and y’know hashtag louis: alright so our time is up, please givethese amazing warriors a great round of applause.

sex education in high school

thank you again for sharing time and spacewith us. take what you’ve learned and share it withthe community. do not keep this conversation in the room,take it outside this room and into your classrooms. thank you very much.